Many people have trouble being assertive, especially if it’s with the one they love. One of the things many people struggle with is how to communicate our needs to others.
Instead, they rely on “mind-reading,” believing that their partner should intuitively know what they need, without them having to say anything. If our partner isn’t skilled in telepathy, they’ve never been given a fair chance to meet your needs!
Relying on mind-reading to get your needs fulfilled creates feelings of chronic anger and contempt towards your partner, conditions which will invariably lead to the demise of your relationship. To keep your relationship strong and happy, it’s up to you to make your needs clearly known.
You have a responsibility to yourself and your partner to be clear about your needs. You are the expert on yourself. No one else can read your mind and know what you need in the way of love, support, intimacy, time alone, domestic order, financial security, etc.
If articulating your needs isn’t something you’ve felt comfortable doing, how do you start? And how do you do it in a way that offers the best chance of your partner being willing to listen and fulfill that need?
If expressing your needs is something you really struggle with, you may actually find it helpful to write out your “script” beforehand. You don’t need to read it to your partner, but putting down your thoughts on paper can help you prepare. That way, in the heat of the moment, you don’t fall into old reactionary traps and instead find a healthy middle path of assertiveness.
Start off the conversation by offering a straightforward description of the situation you want to address. Leave out interpretation or accusatory language – try to make it as specific, impersonal, and objective as possible.
Then describe your feelings using non-blaming “I” statements. When you tell your partner what you’re feeling, be careful to not vent in an accusatory way. In order to keep the conversation as a problem-solving discussion rather than a heated argument, you want to accurately convey the nature, intensity, and cause of your feelings.
Be as clear as possible to the specifics of what you’ve been feeling. Once you’ve identified the broad feeling that first comes to mind (angry, upset, hurt, etc.), narrow down its nature:
Definition. First, make your broad feeling specific by adding synonyms. When you say angry, do you mean angry and stressed, or angry and irritated? Or are you more confused or disappointed than mad? When you say upset, are you upset and disappointed, or upset and depressed? The more specific descriptors you can use to describe how you’re feeling, the better.
Intensity. Add modifiers that accurately convey the intensity of your feelings. Have you been feeling a little resentful or a lot? Slightly discouraged or majorly depressed? Be honest here.
Duration. How long have you been feeling this way? Have you been stressed since you lost your job or ever since you got married? Have you felt irritated for weeks or for days?
Cause and Context. You want to avoid naming your partner as the cause of your feelings, no matter how tempting; even if their actions have been the catalyst. Blame begets defensiveness, not communication. What will result is a fight that doesn’t end up addressing the real problem whatsoever. Instead, try to communicate the cause of your feelings in the form of impersonal context, and describe your own feelings rather than those of the other person. You can accomplish this by using “I” statements rather than “you” accusations.
Request (for behavior change). Ask for a change in behavior only. This is a very important rule. Don’t expect your partner to change their values, attitudes, desires, motivations, feelings. These characteristics are hard to change. It’s like asking someone to be taller or more intelligent. People feel personally threatened if you ask them to change intangibles that are seen as part of their very nature and beyond their conscious control. These kinds of requests are heard as attacks.
Instead of going after someone’s “core” attributes, and having them react defensively, stick with making a request that they modify a specific, observable behavior:
When you make your request, only tackle one situation and 1 or 2 observable behavior changes at a time. You don’t want to overwhelm your partner. Pick small changes that will make them feel like, “Okay, that’s reasonable. I can do that.” See if your partner follows through. If they do, then bring up something else to work on down the line.
Other Things to Keep in Mind –
Keep your tone as calm and level as possible. Don’t let anger or annoyance creep into your voice – using even a slightly heated, annoyed, accusatory, or patronizing tone can escalate things into an unproductive argument.
Pick a time when your partner can give you their full attention. Don’t start the conversation while your wife is holding a crying baby or your girlfriend is about to find out whodunit at the end of Law & Order. You don’t want their annoyance about the circumstances to color how they receive your request. Select a time when they’re in a good mood and ready to listen.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that your partner should know what you need without you having to say anything – that if they really loved you and knew you, or weren’t so selfish, they would just naturally do it. But people, even those in the closest of relationships, think and see the world differently. Something may seem obvious to you, but simply not occur to them – not because of some character defect or lack of love — but because they are simply a different person with a different brain than you.
Instead of seeing their inability to anticipate your needs on their own as a flaw, accept your differences. And instead of seeing behavior changes you directly asked for as less valuable, appreciate the way they’re willing to meet that need, even if it doesn’t come naturally. It’s just as worthy as a gesture of love and commitment, if not more so.
Communicating needs is not a one-way street. Encourage your partner to make their needs known as well, and do your best to listen to, understand, and try to meet those needs when you can. In a healthy relationship, both partners are eager to try to do what they can to make the other person happy.
If you’re on the receiving end of a needs request, one of the most important things to do is to try to accept the other person’s “quirks.” You may not understand why they like things done in a certain way, or how something that can seem so trivial to you can be so important to them, but you have quirks, too. The more you can compromise and accommodate each other’s unique, but not-so-onerous needs, even without necessarily understanding them, the happier you’ll be.
You have a right to ask, but that doesn’t mean your needs will always be met. Your partner and kids have needs too, and their needs may conflict with yours. Making your needs known is not about issuing an ultimatum, but about open communication, compromise, and cooperation. Even if you don’t come up with the exact solution you had hoped for, being open about your needs will make you a happier, less angry partner.
If an issue is too important to you to simply accept a “No,” and/or if this refusal to meet your needs is a consistent pattern, in which you’re always being walked over while giving a lot in return, you may need to end the relationship.
